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1/28/14

TAYLOR SWIFT NEARLY BREAKS NECK AT GRAMMYS

I've been told that I'm too negative on this blog.  In my attempt to be more positive, I have to say that Taylor Swift looked positively stupid headbanging through her performance at The Grammys Sunday night.  In case you missed it, here it is...



Now I understand this might be an emotional  song for her to sing.  It's supposedly about her break up with Jake Gyllenhaal.  But good God she looks stupid doing that.  The whole thing might have been choreographed by her and her handlers to show she's not just a simple little country hick.  If that's the case, they should have thought of something else.  She looked like someone was repeatedly hitting her in the back with a stick.

1/27/14

FAT PEOPLE FALLING

Since there's nothing funnier than fat people falling, here you go...


1/25/14

WHAT THE HELL IS MICHELLE OBAMA SMOKING?

I don't know if you've seen the video of The First Lady with the Miami Heat yet or not.  If not, here it is...



I know they're filming a healthy eating add, but what is up with Barry's wife?  Good God, that is not very First Ladylike.  And the way she takes a bite out of that apple with this kind of vixen look on her face and then tramps around the players.  And then she dunks the ball and makes those really weird sounds.  I think what is happening here is that she is getting really turned on by all these black men and she is subconsciously making fornication noises.  And the bite out of the apple?  It's obviously a Freudian/Adam and Eve thing going on there.  I think you can obviously say, Barry's wife wants to be with a real black man.


1/17/14

FACEBOOK FOLLIES

What is it with these people on Facebook that are constantly being so annoying by doing things like posting a picture of a plate of food because they're at a restaurant?  Unless you're my child, I really don't give two fucks about your plate of food, (and honestly I don't care about my children's plate of food, either).  Or what about the person who makes all these comments kind of leading people to believe that they're suicidal?  The police get called.  They do a welfare check.  It was all Facebook, bullshit drama to get attention from the person that doesn't want to be in a relationship with them.  There's also the person that posts dozens of pictures of a couple of events and it makes it look like they lead this exotic life, full of adventure when in reality, they're sitting at home on the computer with snot running out of their nose while picking at a pesky zit on their ass.  Let's not forget the person who works out once a month and makes sure to post it every time they do.  And then there's the person that gives a play-by-play account of their daily life.  They'll say things like, had to run to the store to pick up some cous cous for tonight's dinner I'm making."  First of all... who gives a fuck?  Second of all... why don't they put things like, I just farted and it really stinks."  Or, "I just took the nastiest shit and my asshole is burning really bad."  If you're going to put your life on display, you might as well give us the whole thing.

1/9/14

WOW!

So I have a beautiful 16 year old step daughter.  She plays the guitar and sings and everyone thinks she is this wonderfully sweet, multi-talented girl with the voice of an angel.  She is all that, but... there is one thing no one would ever guess she does.  We may be sitting there reading or just having a quiet time and all of a sudden with absolutely no warning whatsoever she will let a gigantic fart.  I mean the kind of fart that sounds like she blew her ass apart and it needs to be surgically repaired.  I'm talking about the kind of fart that the dog and cat leave the room.  No joke.  They're so bad, you almost need to be proud.

1/6/14

HEY FOOTBALL PLAYER... WE ALREADY KNOW YOU'RE A STUD

So you see this from time to time and we saw it yesterday in Green Bay.  It was around five degrees with a windchill factor of about -15 and you've got these guys running around the field with short sleeves.  Now I know guys like Eddie Lacy of the Packers say they want their bare skin touching the ball so they can feel it and not fumble.  Well how do most of the receivers wear long sleeves and not fumble the ball?  And then you've got a majority of the linemen with short sleeves and they almost never handle the ball.  Someone needs to let them know that we all know they're badasses.  You don't need to prove anything to anyone guys.  We get it.  You're the toughest of the tough and the baddest of the bad.  ESPN's Sports Science did a segment on being cold and trying to do physical things.  What it showed is that the colder you are your strength and reaction time are substantially affected.  So guys... stop trying to prove something everybody already knows and dress warm in the cold weather for fuck's sake.

1/2/14

WHY DON'T CATS FART?

I'm constantly being asked by my fiancĂ©, "Did you fart?"  First off, when I fart, everyone knows it was me.  You NEVER have to ask.  Secondly, I'm tired of being asked when it was clearly the dog.  How do I know it was the dog?  Because the smell is what we have come to call, "the garbage fart."  It doesn't actually smell like garbage so I'm not really sure why we call it that.  The strange thing is, the cat could be sitting right there and never once has anyone thought the cat farted.  So do cats not fart? 

THAT'S HOW WE DO IT DOWN HERE IN TEXAS

I have family that lives in Texas and also a few friends.  One thing I've noticed is they like to tell you, "Well that's how we do it down here in Texas!"  It could be something as simple as buttering toast and they love to tell you that's how it's done in Texas.  I've got a little news flash for these Texas people that think they're so god damn special.  That's how it's done in the other 49 states too.